We all cope on a daily basis with a variety of internal stimuli and emotions. We feel hungry, so we cope by eating a snack, drinking water, or distracting ourselves. We feel embarrassed, so we cope by making a joke at our own expense, shifting focus to someone else’s behavior, or making excuses. We often feel anxious, bored, or lonely, so we cope by avoiding what makes us anxious, such as grabbing a coffee, eating, scrolling on our phones, or binge-watching Netflix. In truth, we cope all day long.
We even teach our children to cope. When they are upset, we tell them to go to their room to calm down, scream into a pillow, count to ten, or take deep breaths. Teachers teach coping, too: when students fidget, they’re told to sit on their hands; when frustrated, to use their words or ask for help.
Some coping strategies are helpful and even healthy, while others may not be; however, if they work in the moment, we often employ them anyway.
Webster defines coping (verb) as “to deal effectively with something difficult.” So why wouldn’t coping always be helpful or healthy when it comes to dealing with difficult emotions, thoughts, or sensations? Let’s look a little deeper at the impact of coping.
When Not to Cope
Over time, coping can become a chronic form of avoidance—a way to steer clear of underlying emotions, thoughts, or physical sensations. This avoidance can gradually disconnect us from the internal mechanisms our minds use to keep us safe. We may begin to lose touch with the signals our minds and bodies send to help us navigate the world in a healthy way. We might ignore bodily cues trying to inform us that something isn’t functioning correctly, or worse, intensify the very emotions we’re trying to escape.
- Avoidance can increase anxiety.
- Avoidance never solves the problem.
- Avoidance can harm relationships, increase conflict, and minimize social support.
The Cycle of Anxiety
The anxiety cycle consists of four common stages:
First, you have an anxious feeling, then you attempt to avoid that feeling, creating a temporary feeling of relief, but inevitably, you worry and have anxiety again. This time, your brain’s automatic learning mechanism, the cerebellum, has learned that anxiety is bad; it may feel unsafe or in danger, so the anxious feeling is intensified. You then engage in the cycle again and again, each time attempting to avoid the feeling, thus shrinking your capacity to live a full life.
- You have an Anxious feeling
- You attempt to Avoid the feeling
- Followed by a feeling of Temporary relief
- Inevitably, anxiety Returns —often intensified
When this cycle repeats, the brain (specifically the cerebellum, which manages automatic learning) interprets anxiety as dangerous. This reinforces the idea that feeling anxious is bad and unsafe, causing the feeling to grow stronger each time. As the cycle continues, your capacity to live a full and spontaneous life can shrink.
An Example:
You have a tense interaction with a peer at work or school and feel anxious. The next day, you avoid that person, which means you also avoid the coffee area or locker room where you might run into them. Then you unexpectedly see them at lunch, and your anxiety spikes. So you stop going to lunch there, too. Eventually, the anxiety may generalize—now you avoid people associated with them or even the neighborhood where they live.
This may seem extreme—or maybe it doesn’t—but it shows how easily coping can spiral into limiting behavior.
From Coping to Soothing
Healthy coping—particularly with anxiety—is better described as soothing. When you feel anxious and your brain screams “Danger!”, you can begin to reduce the intensity of the emotion by self-soothing.
- Avoidance says, “This is bad.”
- Soothing says, “I’ll be okay. I’m just uncomfortable, and this will pass.”
So what qualifies as soothing without being avoidance? Anything that calms your nervous system. For some, this might be:
- Spending time in nature
- Wrapping up in a soft blanket
- Taking a warm bath or shower
- Petting a furry companion
- Going for a walk
- Listening to calming music
You’ll likely need to experiment to discover what works for you. As you resist the urge to avoid and instead soothe yourself, you’re also gently exposing yourself to the situation that provokes anxiety. This can feel intense at first. But with repeated practice, you’ll likely notice your anxiety levels begin to decrease.
An Invitation
I challenge you to observe your coping patterns for just one day—or even one hour. You might be surprised by how often you try to change or avoid your thoughts and feelings through “coping.” Instead, try self-soothing. Reassure your self-protective brain that you are safe, likable, and capable—and gently return to a more expansive, liberated life.
